Monday, September 2, 2013

Depressed Fat Girl

When I started this journey and started this blog, I promised for better or for worse.  The past month?  That would be for the worst.

I've been suffering from a bad case of depression - the deep, dark kind.  The fact that I had hit a plateau with my weight loss and wasn't going to the gym as much didn't help.  I don't know why, but there's a betrayal that I just can't get past.  I've tried and tried, and I am so frustrated with myself.  If this person can turn their back on me treat me like trash, why can't I just accept it is their loss and move on?  Ugh!  So frustrating!

Well, about half way through August, I just gave up; and I quit listening to that little voice of reason in my head.  Oh, it was still there, still talking to me.  I heard it every morning, "Amy, you don't need those Timbits.  Amy, are you honestly ordering a 20 piece?  Amy, this will not make you feel better.  Amy, don't you remember how sick the last 20 piece made you?"  But, I had returned to my old coping methods - food.

Let's take a second to do a little math.  Timbits, my new obsession . . . at an average of 67 calories each, that's a costly obsession.  My favorite kind (sour cream) also happen to be the highest calories at a whopping 90 each.  That means, I was consuming  between 670-900 calories in just Timbits; and I was having either a bacon, egg and cheese croissant from Burger King or a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit from Tim Hortons with my Timbits.  Most mornings, I was having 10 of the sour cream for 900 calories.  Then there's the mornings where I went with a 20 piece for 1,340 calories.  I was consuming almost my days worth of calories in doughnut holes.  Heaven help me . . .

A week ago, I pulled myself up by my big girl panties.  I climbed up on the scale, and I faced my punishment - up 21 pounds.  With tears in my eyes, I took my Cheshire cat charm off my bracelet and then my soccer ball.  Still fighting the depression, without my normal coping mechanism, made for a long week.  There were a lot of tears - a lot.  Then there was the day where I stress ate an entire bag of Cheetos.  Granted they were the healthy, all natural, baked variety; but they still came to 600 calories.  That left me very hungry and with only 400 calories for dinner; and I came home, went to bed, and cried myself to sleep.

In the end, through a lot of tears and a RESOLUTE mindset, I managed to stay within my calories every day, record everything I ate, and attend 4 water aerobics classes that were anywhere from 60-80 minutes each.  The results?  It's more than just the scale, but I'm happy to say - I lost 10 of those 21 pounds.  More importantly, I can feel the clouds of depression lifting.  I know I owe a lot of that to getting back into the gym, but I also know it is because of the prayers and positive thoughts from my friends and family.  I appreciate that more than I can ever say.

As I don't see the depression causing factors of my life going away any time soon, I know I will face these demons again.  I just pray that next time I will have finally learned my lesson.

1 comment:

Shirley said...

Amy, as I read your blog post today(this is the second time)it made me cry. Here, I talk to you almost everyday and I didn't realize you were struggling with this much pain and depression! You are ALWAYS making me laugh that I just think of you as such a happy person.

Even though you have been deeply hurt, I'm glad to see you are working to let it go and move on. I know you can do it! But most of all I hope you know how proud of you I am for getting back to the gym and doing something about the weight gain! Your my hero!