This week, I hit a rough spot and faced my first true test since choosing to live. It started Wednesday night when I confirmed that someone I thought was one of my truest friends was not. That led to a sleepless night and a not so perky or positive Amy.
I woke up Thursday morning with the ever dangerous "I don't care anymore" thought in my head, and I tried desperately to hold myself together. I made it smartly through breakfast, and I tried to give myself a reassuring pat on the back. After all, the old Amy would have tried to mask the pain with a Steak Egg and Cheese Bagel from McDonalds. The new Amy had some yogurt and a bottle of water.
When I hit the office door, I knew I had my work cut out for me. The emotional hurt I was feeling kept eating at me. The more it ate, the more I wanted to eat; and by 8:30am, I was taking bets as to what would happen first - would I cry? or would I go off on someone? I wasn't just hurting, I was furious with myself. I was furious that I was letting a few haters steal my joy. I was furious that I was letting these haters hurt me and possibly sabotage the my new outlook and lifestyle. I wanted to throw in the towel. I wanted to delete this blog. All I could think about was what a terrible person I must be, that no one liked me, and that no one cared so why should I. I know that's all ridiculous. I know it now, and I knew it then. That is why I was getting angrier and angrier with myself. I was concentrating on 3 haters and letting them rule my brain and my heart. Reasonable Amy kept saying to me, "You have more good, true, honest, sincere friends in your life now than you ever have. Why are you concentrating on these haters? They have proven they are not worth the space in your head."
This is what I struggled with until a good friend walk in my office to give me a hug. That made the tears win over the "going off" but it was a good thing. It made me pick myself up, dust myself off, and move forward. I made a run to Kroger to pick up a few more healthy items for lunch; and I grabbed a Diet Coke. It's amazing how good that precious liquid can made me feel.
I do have an amazing bunch of friends. Some, I have had since 5th grade. Some, I have only had for a few months. Regardless, I am thankful for each and every one of you. You are the glue that helps hold this leaky ship together. I cherish each and every one of you, and I am thankful for the love and support you have already provided. I'm blessed to have you on this journey with me; and as we travel down this road together, I will work to be the better person and not to give my haters a California Howdy!