Old Ghosts

I’m coming off of a three day weekend which is always nice. What wasn’t nice was how I behaved in relation to food.  I made some pretty bad decisions, and it wasn’t until Sunday night that I got to the root of the real problem.

After poking around on Facebook, I found myself almost assaulted with tasty recipes that friends had been posting – no bake cookies, cake batter fudge, creamsicle cake, peanut butter cake with peanut butter frosting, monkey bread . . . ooohhh it was killing me!  I ended up posting in my status, 

“It’s just not right!  Why’s everyone posting such good desserts tonight?!  I want them and there’s NOTHING in my house sweet!  (Besides Philip and the pugs!)”

I even tried eating a whole grain English muffin with peanut butter, but it didn’t do the trick.  I had nothing on my mind except unhealthy, fattening, sweet food.

Then my friend Nancy (shout out Nancy Schmelzer #2!) made a comment that brought it all into perspective.  She said, “Do you really want something sweet or is something else up?”

My first thought was, “I want something sweet!” then I started to think.  What’s been up all weekend?  Why have I been eating stupid stuff? 

• Friday was planned out perfectly to allow myself fish and chips for dinner then I went and made myself a corned beef sandwich with 3 slices of cheese.  THEN, I inhaled a very large bread pudding with butter rum sauce when I wasn’t even hungry.
• Saturday, the hubby and I were in class all day, but I had packed healthy snacks.  After class, at 9:30pm at night I might add, we went to Yabo’s Tacos where I had chips with queso and a beef and cheese quesadilla with sour cream.  
•  Sunday?  We went to our fav Mexican restaurant and what do I get instead of the healthy salad I always get and always LOVE?  I get a beef chimichanga to go with my chips and mushroom queso.  THEN within a few hours I was up in the kitchen making a hamburger patty that would put Therman’s Café to shame and piling it with not 1, not 2, not 3, but 4 slices of CHEESE!

Nancy’s question kept poking at my head.  “Or is something else up?”  Yes, something else was definitely up.  Actually, 3 somethings were up:

• First, our best friends were moving to Dayton on Saturday and Sunday, and I’ve been in denial over it.  Yes, Dayton is a lot closer than where they were before in Bowling Green, Kentucky; but they wouldn’t be just down the street anymore.  If I needed Bubba time, I would have to drive an hour to Dayton.  If there was some kind of emergency, they couldn’t come to our rescue in 5 minutes.  If we were running out for dinner, we couldn’t grab them at the last minute.  If I needed a good laugh and some genuine cheering up, I couldn’t just run down Broad St. 
• Then, a friendship that I cherished and thought was true has been fizzling before my eyes, and I don’t know why.  The hurt has just been piling up on me and certain things happened over the past couple of weeks that really made it hit me hard and heavy Friday.  
• Finally, I got some “news” Friday afternoon that required me to make a pretty big and difficult decision.  I knew what the decision needed to be, but it wasn’t the decision I wanted to make.

In the past when I’ve been sad, depressed, or stressed, I’ve turned to food.  When I removed that “crutch” back on December 5, 2012, I removed my major coping tool.   Yes, I know the food was only a temporary “fix”.  It might have made me feel good at the moment I was eating it, but it was destroying me for the long run.  When several stressful/sad things hit me all at once, the old ghosts of Amy’s of the past snuck in without me even knowing.  I was subconsciously trying to feed my sadness and stress.

Thankfully, a friend’s words knocked me back to my senses before things got any worse.  After some soul searching and a lot of tears, the Resolute Amy was back and reflecting.  She knew what the problem was and what she was doing to herself, and she knew what she needed to do.  That didn’t make it any easier, and she still beat herself up pretty bad.  BUT, she recognized it and stopped it!  That’s a giant leap!

I got up this morning, packed my healthy lunch and snacks, had my healthy breakfast protein shake, and I’m putting one foot in front of the other.  Also, instead of skipping the gym tonight to go shopping with Philip, I’m dragging my butt to the gym, throwing myself into the pool, and letting Jo practically kill me with her water aerobics’ workout!

This isn’t going to be an easy journey.  I’m going to fall down.  I’m going to fail.  I’ve just got to learn to pick myself up, dust myself off, and get going again!